1. Road snacks are a necessary item. Preferred foods are Combos (pizza-flavored) and M&Ms (peanut, unless you're an allergic freak), but it is essential to stick purely to processed foods. Note: Hostess products may be a temptation at the gas station, but stay away. They are not car-friendly. Especially fruit pies.
2. Play car games. "Punch buggy" and the license plate game are two great standbys. I was introduced on this trip to two new games, both of which I lost royally, so
3. Stock your iPod. Tunes are a must on long road trips, and it's best if you create an extra-special road trip mix, including hits like Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again" and Tom Cochrane's "Life is a Highway." Stay away from "I Can't Drive 55" by Van Halen. Why? Because that song sucks.
4. Roadside attractions like five-legged cows and the biggest ball of string are purely for your entertainment. Fork over the $12 admission, ya tightwad, and check out the prairie dog city.
5. Regarding roadside restrooms: hover.
6. Wear loose clothing. Road bloat is real. Air conditioning + Combos + giving in to the Hostess temptation + McDonald's + busting your lungs to Tom Petty's "Free Falling" = gas.
7. Drive the speed limit, dumb ass. Especially in Virginia. Or anywhere in the southern states if you have New York tags. Have you seen My Cousin Vinny?
8. Stay awake...caffeinate. I am witness to the miraculous effect that seven cups of coffee and two Red Bulls can have.
