Good Night, Noughties.

I read an interesting question today. "Are you happier about the end of this year of the beginning of a new one?"

As I was applying my eyeliner to head out to a New Year's party tonight, it hit me that the infamous Y2K was 10 years ago tonight. It seems like a lifetime ago. I was at a party at a farmhouse with my fellow Chili's coworkers, and I had just started dating the very first of what seemed an endless string of...losers. He was a full-fledged alcoholic of 27, and I was barely 20 and didn't quite have my drinking legs yet. I think I had one glass of champagne. Was that really 10 years ago?

Fast forward to tonight, and back to the question at hand. I'm happier about the beginning of the new year. I resolve to stop dwelling in the past. There are a lot of broken things there that can never be fixed. I want to start paying attention to what I've learned from my mistakes and using that knowledge to move forward. This year already looks bright and shiny, more so than any other year I can remember. Maybe that's because I'm going into it with a different outlook. Or any real outlook at all. I'm not focused on losing 10 pounds or getting A's in whatever program or getting a job or buying whatever thing...2010 will be focused inward and, consequently, onward.

Permanence Pansy

I guess you could call me afraid of commitment. Not just in relationships...I won't join a gym if there's a long-term contract, I refuse to be locked into a car payment, I won't sign an apartment lease (and perish the thought of a mortgage), I don't even keep anything in my refrigerator. If a tornado came and sucked me off the planet right now, there wouldn't be much left besides the greasy spot on the ground - this blog, a couple of J. Crew cardigans and some boots, a Nutcracker collection, and a beat-up old Subaru.

Now, I go back and forth on this. I’m unsure what my life holds for me, and I want to be ready to move if the opportunity presents itself. I couldn’t imagine being tied down to the same place for the next 25 to 30 years.  To me, that's sensible. I have changed locations so many times in the last 10 years, that I've found it easier to just live with the necessities. It's extremely hard to pick up and start all over.

Despite my efforts to remain uncommitted to anything or anyone, I have to admit that I have an intense longing for security and belonging, neither of which can happen without commitment. And though I don’t want to be tied down to a job or a house, I still want the security of knowing where my next pay check will come from or where I’ll live next month.

For the immediate future, I live in a nice place, and I have a fulfilling job that I  love. But it doesn't seem permanent. I spend a lot of time - all my time - coming up with alternate plans. Life has thrown me quite a few curveballs recently, and I'm still perfecting my swing.

Someone once told me I seem like I'm flailing through life. I feel more like I'm hopscotching. All the other kids already finished the game and went inside, and I keep losing my balance and starting over.

Facebook Survey

I came across this in my Facebook Notes today, and some of these made me giggle.

1. I like to spell words alphabetically. For example, "dresser" would be "deerrss." "Lipstick" would be "ciiklpst." You get the idea. I sometimes make patterns in my head, alternating the words spelled correctly with alphabetically.

2. I have perfected "The Sprinkler" and have no issues with busting it out upon request. I can pretty much do it to any song.

3. I have a total phobia of bathroom floors, including bathroom rugs. I refuse to step on other people's bathroom rugs - I walk on the tile on my tiptoes...and I cringe until I'm out the door.

4. I have lived in ten states.

5. I crave potato chips and chocolate chip cookies together. There was one Amelia Bedelia story in which Amelia mistakenly made chocolate chip cookies with chips, and I thought it sounded like the best recipe EVER. An acceptable substitute is Wendy's fries dipped in a chocolate Frosty.

6. I have a double-jointed neck. I can move it side-to-side and in circles.

7. I've met Dustin Diamond (Screech), Vanilla Ice, Richard Simmons, Misty May-Treanor, Isaac Hayes and LL Cool J. Yep, jealous?

8. My favorite scent is anything pumpkin-spice.

9. I have always hidden candy in my room, even when I've lived alone. It started at a really young age, and I just can't break the habit!

10. I used to have my nose, eyebrow and tongue pierced, along with five holes in my ears.

11. If I could do anything in the world, I would be an international spy...more Mr. and Mrs. Smith than Austin Powers.

12. It took me 11 years to get my bachelor's degree, and I wouldn't change any of it.

13. I HATE capri pants. I take note of them and mentally scorn the women wearing them.

14. I blush really easily. I can't help it, and it's embarrassing. At the slightest hint of emotion, my face turns bright red. Thus, it can sometimes literally be impossible for me to hide my feelings.

15. I used to want to marry Michael Jackson. Come on people, it was when he was normal, back in the early 80s!

16. I'm almost 30 and still don't know if I want children.

17. I'm randomly good at music lyrics trivia.

18. I'm oddly attracted to forearms.

19. I beat up a boy I really liked at a church picnic in third grade, and his dad got really pissed. I think he was only mad because his kid got whooped by a girl.

20. I was once on a date and had a liiiiiitttle too much wine with dinner...I leaned in to kiss him good night, my hand missed the door frame, and I fell past him, right onto my face.

21. I was once thanked in a CD liner.

22. I have my favorite name. (But when I was a little kid, I wanted to change it to Candy.)

23. I am really good at sit-ups. In pilates class last year, I did 70 in one minute.

24. My all-time favorite song is "Sara" by Jefferson Starship. "Saaaara, Saaaara, storms are brewin' in your eyes...Oh oh oh..."

25. Like my youngest sister, I have issues with stairs. I fell up the stairs my first day of high school, I tripped up the bus stairs my first week of college, and I fell down my apartment stairs in heels on a first date...among many, many other accidents. No booze involved in any of the above incidents. It must be genetic.

Sunday Funday

I found myself in the office this morning at 9 a.m. It's Sunday. I didn't really have a lot to catch up on...I simply didn't have anything else to do. Over the last couple of months, I've found that becoming the case more and more. I typically work 11 hours a day during the week, without a lunch break, because I can't eat another single with cheese, no onions. Then it's back to the office on the weekend, armed with an iPod and a cup of coffee.

I stared out the window today wondering if this is what life becomes for those who are single at 30. A little bit Bridget Jones-esque, maybe, but I would have the most boring holiday letter on the planet.

Hi everyone,


Hope you're well. I'm living in Dallas. Again. Working for a software company. Again. Still single. Still in and out of grad school. Oh! I replaced my catalytic converters. Well, happy holidays.


Love,
Allison

I'm not ready for a family. But what should I do? Get a cat? I hate cats. Girls, if you're reading this and still happen to be in college, just do yourself a favor, get it over with and find someone. Because if you're single when you graduate, there is a good chance you will stay that way forever. And you will work on Sundays. And you will drink too much. And you will relate to Bridget Jones, which is beyond depressing, because I can't stand Renee Zellweger, and her British accent is worse than the voice in my head that sounds like Mary Poppins.

Moo.

Evidently, when I was little, all I ever wanted was a cow in the front yard. Well, I got it...kind of.

Melancholy

The best part of my day was getting home, closing the door, and locking the world out.

From Texas, To My Exes

BH - My first boyfriend. You were so cute. But you wouldn't hold my hand at the movies...you told me you had poison ivy. And then you tried to out-dump me when you found out I was about to pass you a break-up note after seventh period. Not cool.


DM - You really liked Champion t-shirts, and you were the shortest basketball player I have ever seen. I don't remember much else.


LK - You were my Jordan Catalano. I couldn't even believe it when we started going out. I had my first kiss with you, in your backyard, in the moonlight, surrounded by the sounds of sheep and crickets. For some reason you really liked touching my belly, and I hated that. So I broke up with you.


BH - We dated for like two weeks. I think we held hands before swim practice. I saw you a couple of years later at nationals, and you kind of pretended to not know who I was...


JB - Ahhh, senior beach week. My friends thought you were hot. I got my first speeding ticket driving to your school to see you. Once you showed up at my swim meet stoned. And then you dumped me by e-mail. You apologized later, though.


BG - You were horrible. I don't know why we stayed together as long as we did. I was way too good for you. We saw some pretty good concerts, though, and your dad was one of the kindest people I've ever met.


JS - You were an asshole hippie. I didn't even think that was possible, but that is exactly what you were. Good luck with that.


KH - Not surprisingly, you were best friends with JS (above). You were possibly the laziest person I ever met, but that's probably because you're the biggest stoner I ever met. I'm pretty sure nothing about you has changed...although I heard you were with a married chick.


BC - Were we together? Were we not? I don't know. I really cared about you. You drink too much, and you're wasting your life.


JB - I think you actually had too little drama for me. Otherwise, you were great.


AT - When I say I don't want to see you because I want to stay home by myself, that is not code for, "Please show up at my door unannounced and then get irritated when I turn you away." Clingy much? Buh-bye.


VM - You need your own post. You shattered my heart. I'm still cleaning up the mess you left behind.


SC - How's that going for you? ...Being crazy?


MW - You were a friend when I really needed one, and I will never forget that. You will find someone as wonderful as you deserve.


JS - You are a fabulous shower singer, a connoisseur of snack cakes, my puppydaddy, and still one of my BFFs. Please don't settle.


For anyone I left out, you were either amazing or horrible. I haven't met many in between. And you know which one you were.

Accidentally Me

There are days when I disgust myself.

Those days, I wonder where things turned tragic. Did I really just say that? Have I really turned into this person? Sometimes I think that if I weren't me, I'd take my Sharpie and write nasty lies about me on the bathroom wall of the nearest bar.

But most days I wouldn't want to be anyone else. In fact, I feel that way more and more each day. The more people I meet, the happier I am to be me. My eye-rolling tendency has gotten beyond out of control lately.

The Doors said, "people are strange." How true.

I wonder if they feel the same about me...with my funny hats, and my endless education, and my nomadic tendencies, and my penchant for reading Missed Connections, and my tempestuous relationship history...

Recently I came across a "Weekly Student Spotlight" from my sophomore year in high school, 15 years ago. My plans included going to college in North Carolina on a scholarship and studying architecture. That was it.

What would my flannel and Doc Marten-wearing, My So-Called Life-watching 15-year-old self think of me?

Would I advise my 15-year-old self on what was to come, so I could make better decisions?

No.

Every decision I've made for 30 years has shaped this eye-rolling person I am today. If I did everything the "right" way, I'd be one of those people that make me happy to be me.

I don't know whether this is the version of myself I've grown used to, or whether this is truly my favorite version. Either way.

Autumn

The course of my life has been shaped by Septembers, Octobers, and Novembers.

I feel restless this time of year…I feel electricity in the air.

I come alive in autumn. This is when things truly happen. Spring and summer are detached, simply there to refill the trees with leaves that can fall again in September. And winter drags on.

In autumn, I fall in love, I follow my dreams, I am joyful and sorrowful, and everything in between.

It must be the weather.

A six-year-old's cure for loneliness

A conversation I overheard between two six-year-old girls at a children's Halloween festival last weekend:


"I like your hair. Do you like mine?"
"Yes."
"I got pigtails...and glitter! But I really like your braids."
"Thanks! I got glitter too."
"It looks really good. Do you want to be best friends?"
"Yeah! What's your name?"
"Ashley. What's yours?"
"Sarah."
"I like you."
"I like you too."



“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” ~Winnie the Pooh