Accidentally Me

There are days when I disgust myself.

Those days, I wonder where things turned tragic. Did I really just say that? Have I really turned into this person? Sometimes I think that if I weren't me, I'd take my Sharpie and write nasty lies about me on the bathroom wall of the nearest bar.

But most days I wouldn't want to be anyone else. In fact, I feel that way more and more each day. The more people I meet, the happier I am to be me. My eye-rolling tendency has gotten beyond out of control lately.

The Doors said, "people are strange." How true.

I wonder if they feel the same about me...with my funny hats, and my endless education, and my nomadic tendencies, and my penchant for reading Missed Connections, and my tempestuous relationship history...

Recently I came across a "Weekly Student Spotlight" from my sophomore year in high school, 15 years ago. My plans included going to college in North Carolina on a scholarship and studying architecture. That was it.

What would my flannel and Doc Marten-wearing, My So-Called Life-watching 15-year-old self think of me?

Would I advise my 15-year-old self on what was to come, so I could make better decisions?

No.

Every decision I've made for 30 years has shaped this eye-rolling person I am today. If I did everything the "right" way, I'd be one of those people that make me happy to be me.

I don't know whether this is the version of myself I've grown used to, or whether this is truly my favorite version. Either way.