Famous Boys I Have Loved But Never Stalked

Tom Selleck. I don't know if this one even counts. I remember my mother making me call this mustachioed piece of hunk "bootiful" when I was like two years old, while watching Magnum P.I. in the den. Check out those jeans. You can see everything. Maybe it really was love...

Michael Jackson. Pre-WTF, of course. MJ was the only man I thought I was going to marry. I would have been over the moon about doing my tap routine to Thriller in fourth grade (complete with cardboard headstones and black lights), had I not already moved on to my Wilson Phillips stage.

Michael J. Fox. This man is no chicken. He made me a firm believer in time travel. And I think puffy vests are sexy.

The entire cast of Newsies. This is a movie about Christian Bale singing and dancing, surrounded by lots of other hot, singing, dancing boys. I have been aware of Christian Bale since 1992. Well aware. Very well aware.

Jordan Catalano. "I'm in love. His name is Jordan Catalano. He was left back, twice. Once I almost touched his shoulder in the middle of a pop quiz. He's always closing his eyes, like it hurts to look at things."

Butch Walker. Once the lead singer of one of my all-time favorite glam-pop bands Marvelous 3, Butch gave me a little sugar buzz from the way he was flipping guitar picks into the audience at now-ancient-history Trax in Charlottesville. God I love those glasses.

Zack Braff. He's a gigantic dork. I'm a gigantic dork. He's got a crush on Natalie Portman. I've got a crush on Natalie Portman. We're like, brain twins.

Johnny Depp. Do I need to explain this one? I assume you all have imaginations.