Justins Party

Tuesday, 4:06 p.m. A text message from a number I don't recognize:

Is Kayla like planning justins party

Oh well. I was hitting a mid-afternoon slump.

Didn't you hear kayla was in a bus accident?

No I didn't

So your running the party

Yeah but I'm thinking about changing the theme. What do you think?

Um I just want to go a sport theme like the world series

How did she get In a bus accident

I don't know. She's been drinking a lot.

Who

Kayla. Everyone knows that.

O noo she was not in a accident  and can I go to justin party

I don't want to do World Series. How about Rocky Horror Show?

Yea that works   I really want to know if I can go. Jack and Mikey are going

Are Kayla and Justin still together?

What I don't know

Why wouldn't you be able to go?

I'm just asking to go I went last time I hate the science hw

IDK I'll think about it. Maybe you can do my HW for me. TTYT.

Bye

Another milestone reached.

Well, it finally happened. 

My mother asked me if I'm a lesbian.*

I have crossed another bridge every single 30-something must bravely cross.

*I'm not. Yet.

Pardon our dust.

Yep, the neon cupcakes are gone. Also, since Ramona is no more (RIP), I felt it was time for a new title.

Here's the quick explanation. A friend of a friend of a friend was dragging a story out until everyone's eyes were sufficiently glazed over. His extremely long-winded point? He found five dollars.

As most of the crap I blog about falls into the same utterly painful category, I feel like this is pretty accurate.

I ought to wear a helmet.

So I woke up with a big puffy eye the other morning. To everyone's shock and disappointment, it was not pink eye. I am actually able to refrain from sticking the same fingers in my eye that I stick in my butt. I have two hands, people. No, this mini-shiner came from a direct face-wall collision the night before. If you are a long-time reader, you may recall that I hate getting up to pee at night. I bet you didn't know this was the reason. Fortunately, the only damage was a little goose egg-type situation that lasted about 24 hours.

I'm a walking disaster. At any given time, I am 98 percent guaranteed to have an injury somewhere. I will often find mysterious giant green bruises…on my ass. How do I get a bruised ass? Am I sitting with too much force? Are my britches too tight? What am I doing wrong?

I broke two fingers playing kickball when I was a kid. Who does that? I went to scoop up a gently rolling grounder. And broke two fingers. So 20 years later, here I am, back on a kickball team. (The KILFs. Don't hurt yourself figuring it out.) Proudest moment of the season? My face-first flop onto first base. Not into first base. Just onto it. In my defense, it was muddy. Which really just meant that I looked like an asshole…covered in mud. I almost passed that dive off as intentional. Almost. No, seriously. At least I didn't break anything. We'll see how indoor season goes this fall. A lot more hard surfaces involved there.

I'm just glad my name isn't Grace. That would be a lot of pressure. Grace Kelly pretty much killed it. But I would not have been able to hang. Who's got two thumbs and has walked all the way across a college campus with the back of her skirt tucked into her tights? This girl.

How am I still allowed to go out in public?

Netflix is totally trying to win me back.

Don't you find it strange that the same week I cancel my Netflix DVD subscription (which is now Qwikster or something), this just happens to arrive in the mail?

But wait. Here's the crazy part. This DVD? Totally not mine. No, seriously. It's not.

Uh-huh. I see right through your ploy, Netflix. You're trying to lure me back in with your little "mistakes." I'm not sure what I'm talking about. But rest assured...I've got my eye on you.

Subject: Construction Paper

Allison,


Do you have any construction paper? Can I have a piece?


Thanks,
X

This was a work email I received today. Please keep in mind that (although it might seem like it most of the time), I do not work at a preschool.

Mr. X might have let the cat out of the bag here. Clearly other departments are having Krazy Kraft Korner time with glitter and pipe cleaners and safety scissors. They probably even have nap time!

Meanwhile, the marketing folks are out saving people's lives. Who do you call when you're stuck in the elevator? Marketing. Who do you count on to pull the fire alarm when the building goes up in flames? Marketing. Who's going to scream, "run" at the top of her lungs and then take off full speed in the wrong direction during an earthquake? That one was all me.

Southern Fried Kidlets

I spent Labor Day weekend in

with my sister Anna and her family.

There are the twins, Madeline and Eli (4), and a new addition, Ward, who is two months old. If you're an aunt, you probably already know that you have to come bearing gifts. This consisted of circus peanuts, trucks for Eli, a princess beauty kit for Madeline, and a stuffed lion for Ward.

You could say the beauty kit was the hit of the weekend. In the kit was a selection on pink and purple hair accessories...and a tube of "lipstick." (A piece of plastic that looks like lipstick.) Madeline spent a lot of time deciding which clip(s) and scrunchies to adorn herself with each morning. And then there was the lipstick. She toted it around in a stuffed unicorn purse all weekend. And I have never seen anything like it. This little girl reapplied every 30 minutes.

"Oh, I just ate. My lipstick came off."
"I got sweaty playing outside. My lipstick came off."
"It's raining. My lipstick came off."

Hilarious.

We had a ton of fun playing outside.

At some point I was the bad witch(?) and the monkey bars lifter-upper. But mostly it was just, "Allison, watch me!"

They are total hams and posed for me at dinner time. I told them to "pretend you're eating." So they did.

But it was really because they didn't like what was for dinner at all, which they made crystal clear soon after.

I mentioned Ward. Remember?

It's kind of easy to forget this kid sometimes. He's so quiet. He just hangs out like this most of the time. Note the very serious expression. This is not just a random expression. This is how he looks all the time. I'm fairly certain he's a genius. He's pretty stinkin' cute, though.

I had fun with Anna and Brandon too, once all the little heads hit the pillows. We watched some serious football on Saturday. I had no idea that my bro-in-law played for Auburn his freshman year. Pretty bad-ass, right?

Day 21

Here's a pretty pattern.

It's my shower curtain. I don't know if I've mentioned it yet, but I am borderline obsessed with World Market.

By the way...

It was this thing.

The Tsaritsa was so close.

Days 18, 19, 20

Slack attack. Sorry, I've been avoiding natural disasters in D.C.

I spy with my little eye...

The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. This is an awesome book. Awesome. I just finished Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt & Stephen J. Dubner. Fantastic. Before that? Confessions of an Economic Hitman by John Perkins. Wow. I'm on a roll here. I hope my next book doesn't suck.

Here's where the magic happens. And of course by magic I mean surfing the Interwebs while eating Easy Cheese straight from the can.

Day 17 - On the Shelf (Virginia Earthquake 2011)

What a coincidence that today's photo would be "on the shelf." By now you have probably heard about the 5.8-magnitude earthquake that struck the East Coast today. Here's my shelf after the quake.

Nope, no damage. I came home to crooked pictures and opened doors(?), but nothing broken.

Let me say that that earthquake pretty much spoiled the thought of ever moving to California. Or Indonesia. That shit was not cool.

Day 16 - What I Ate

Busy drafting a sales proposal + lost appetite =

Yep, that's it. Straight out of the pouch.

Weekend Agenda: Zombie Apocalypse

It was just a typical Saturday night for me, running from flesh eating zombies.

My zombie apocalypse emergency kit: a map, a zombie warning whistle, water, a wipe for cleaning zombie bite wounds, a glow stick for when my flashlight dies, gum(?), and one "brain" token.

Days 14 & 15

We have reached the halfway point.

I thought it would be a good idea to head to the United States Botanical Garden to take my day 15 photo. I snapped this when I wasn't running from the bees.

And here are my shoes. Plastic flip flops and band-aids...typical.

Day 13

This is the George Washington Masonic National Memorial. I always thought the Masons were a secret club like the Skulls. Guess not, since the guy who sold me my car is a member.

I cannot say "from a distance" without Bette Midler popping into my head. I know all of the words, by the way, since this was a song from one of our awesome school musicals.

Day 12

Can you guess what this is?

Day 11

Reading is fun.

If they had the Book It! program for adults, I would eat so many personal pan pizzas that I'd have to have a wall removed to leave the house. If I had a twin, we'd buy motorcycles and hats and ride them around, and we'd hold a Guinness World Record.

But I don't have a twin. So I'll just have to try another route.

Man, I love those personal pan pizzas. And reading.

The return of panty-head.

Why do robbers keep putting underpants on their heads?

Don't people own scissors? Just get one of those beanie hats, cut two holes, and voila! You've got yourself a robber mask! Or use face paint. Go in that convenience store looking like this, and see if you get caught...

That would be pretty tough to describe to the police, now wouldn't it?

Don't be so lazy, criminals. Don't be so sloppy. Let's see a little effort, a little planning, a little drive. Grabbing the first pair of size 16 Hanes Her Way's you fumble across does not a successful robbery make. Stop putting panties on your head. It's just embarrassing.

Day 10

I've always been a crappy painter. But I try. Here's a detail of one of my craptastic paintings.

Yes, it is for sale.

Days 8 & 9

My pretty car provided the perfect setting for my day 8 assignment. Look at all these thingamabobs and doohickeys!

I would just like to tell you how exciting it is to rock out to satellite radio. Every day I get excited about it. Every fucking day. Especially when I listen to the 80s station. And when I flip back and forth between that and the 90s station, it's all over. The other day I almost ran off the road swapping between AC/DC and Billy Idol. Keep in mind that Ramona had no music. Period. Yes, I have a fantastic set of pipes, but one can only be entertained by singing the Milkshake Song to herself for so long...especially when the only lyrics one knows accurately are "la la la la la." And no music meant no car dancing. I'm a seriously good car dancer. If there is ever a "SYTYCCD," I will rock that shit.

And here is my day 9 photo. It's me, headless.

Days 6 & 7

You might have noticed I skipped day 5 (someone I love). I'll be turning that assignment in late.

As for a childhood memory, I caught these two playing the hand slap game while they waited for the Metro. I loved playing this when I was a kid.

Don't know what the hand slap game is? 

Now for something new. This photo has a double meaning.

The shirt is new. Because I'm attempting to train for...my first half marathon. Yep, totally busted on marathon runners in the not-so-distant past. But this is different. It's a half marathon...twice the fun.

Day 4 - Favorite Color(s)

You will now learn two things about me.

1. My ultimate, all-time favorite color is hot pink. (But my favorite combo is pink, red and orange.)

2. My closet is color-organized.

So now you know.

Day 3 - Clouds

When commuting to work, I opt for two Metro transfers each way instead of just one. That affords me a few minutes at the outdoor King Street station (as opposed to the underground L'Enfant Plaza), where I can get a little bit of fresh air. The platform is high above the street, so the view is great, and I've taken quite a few nice photos from this vantage point.

Pretty self-explanatory here...

Day 2 - What I Wore

This could have been a super-duper easy one for me, due to my obsession with bathroom mirror photos. But I tried to change it up a bit.

T-shirt: H&M, Skirt: J.Crew, Shoes: Aldo

30 Day Photo Challenge

I'm "competing" in a 30 day photo challenge, as detailed on this lovely blog. Technically it should have started August 1, but my competition started today.

Here is the list:

And here is entry #1:

I wanted to go for a no-fooling bare-faced portrait, so I took this when I first got up...before coffee. So if you ever hit the jackpot and find yourself spending the night at my place, this is what you get to look forward to waking up to! But seriously, don't hold your breath.

Apparently I'm 14 years old.

I haven't gone over my 450 allowed minutes in a pretty long time, but lately I haven't even been close.

Why? Oh, just because I've gotten into the habit of sending between 1,000 and 1,500 text messages a month.

OMG. WTF?

Am I going to start sneaking out the back door of my own apartment next?

Dudes, I'm going to PARIS!

After blabbing incessantly about it for two years, I finally hit the Purchase button and got myself a ticket to Paris for my birthday in October.

Cheese! Chocolate! Croissants! Start your diets! Get out the elastic waist pants! I'M GOING TO PARIS!

I went to Paris once before, in high school, clearly at the height of my fashion awesomeness. (I'm on the far left.)

Nothing screams Parisian like baggy jort-overalls.

But this trip will be different. Not only has my style savvy evolved over the last 15 years, I'm also a super mature adult.

I'm a slight francophile. That's what happens when you start French lessons at age 7. I have an unusual enthusiasm for pastries, and like Monica Geller, I could live in a house of cheese. My middle name is even French. Of course, since neither of my parents speak one word of French, I actually have a French boy's middle name, minus the cool accent. But whatever. So what better way to celebrate a milestone like my 32nd birthday than a trip to the (imaginary) motherland?

Although the only thing I've done so far is bought a plane ticket, I've already pretty much planned the entire trip in my head. And of course, I have compiled a list of movies for inspiration.

View from the Top - This is like the worst movie. Ever. Seriously terrible. But it's about flight attendants, and I used to be a flight attendant. And Gwynnie looks pretty cute in her yellow outfit strolling around Paris by herself. I figure that will be me. Looking gorgeous, strolling around the city in lipstick and heels, sitting on benches, staring wistfully out into the distance. Yeah, that's about right.

Amélie - This is the quintessential Parisian flick. If my visit is like this, I'm not coming back.

Midnight in Paris - While a lot of this movie takes place in the 1920s, it is beautiful nonetheless. I don't plan to do any time traveling while I'm there. If I do, it will be with my sports almanac so I can make a fortune betting, like Biff Tannen.

Something's Gotta Give - Diane Keaton always plays rich chicks. Basically I just want to go to Paris with her so she can buy me stuff.

Hotel Chevalier - This prologue to The Darjeeling Limited takes place in a Paris hotel room. It combines Paris, room service, Jason Schwartzman and Natalie Portman, all of which I am in love with. My long-term plan is to live a life of luxury in a beautiful Parisian hotel. This will be a location scouting trip for that.

Fodder

Life: it's all fodder for my (imaginary) novel. However, since I have no idea what I'm doing, I will probably just leave a crapload of scattered notes for my (imaginary) editor and have him piece it all together post-mortem a la David Foster Wallace.

Here are some tidbits just from the last couple of weeks.

• While enjoying a leisurely walk down the street the other evening, I saw a group of people through in a ground-floor room. The room had windows all the way around, and they were gathered attentively in a circle. I assumed it was a book reading or lecture. I slowed down a bit to check it out, and that's when I noticed the large projection screen at the front of the room. Wait, what is that? OH. IT'S A GIANT VAGINA WITH A BABY'S HEAD COMING OUT OF IT. Guess it's a birthing class, and not a reading. Wasn't ready for that one.

• I took the last bus home the other night. The bus driver got lost and skipped my neighborhood. I did get a private tour of Mt. Vernon, but I gotta say - there's not much going on there at 9:00 on a Thursday night. The bus driver was really apologetic and drove me home...in my very own personal bus. I am totally kicking myself for not asking her to hit the drive-through and the liquor store on the way.

• I do not care what you say. Toe shoes are weird and gross. And this lady had UGGS in her bag. I don't understand. Aren't those furry mammoth-foot boots made for comfort? Why would she need to change into these? To be trendy? But wait, are Uggs not trendy as well? My mind is blown. Also, I would never shop with this person.

• As part of my transformation into the full too-old-to-be-a-hipster-but-kinda-still-acting-like-one lifestyle, I bought a bike. This is my first bike in at least 12 years. The last time I attempted to ride one, my bell-bottoms (yeah, WHAT?) got stuck in something, and I fell into the road on campus. Instead of anyone asking if I was OK, cars honked and laughed as they drove by. But I'm back in the saddle again. I was a little shaky at first, but I got the hang of it after a few minutes. Just like riding a bike...wocka wocka. A gang of kids whizzed by me on their bikes as I was struggling to stay upright. Whatever, I'm older and my bike is totally cooler. Towanda!

• Hmmm, but what if it's questionable?...

Moving 2011: The Finale (Hopefully)

Moving is terrible. Terrible.

The weather never seems to cooperate for my moves. Mother Nature has her panties perpetually in a wad as my boxes are being hauled up and down the stairs. This time I had a personal raincloud.

From Dallas to DC.

That's right. It literally never. stopped. pouring. rain. for. three. days. A little icing on the cake, the windshield wipers broke somewhere in Alabama. So we got to spend a little time at the Penske repair shop in an *ahem* industrial area of town. Sol and I got to spend three hours on a bench in a tiny room. We really tried to make the best of the situation.

We checked out all the awards.

We did creepy body tricks.

And just as I was at my wits' end and about to break down and eat one of the chocolate mini-donuts from the random sack on the counter, I decided to spew my frustration on Twitter. Wouldn't you know it...Penske's Director of Communications and PR actually responded (and on a Saturday). Snaps, Randy Ryerson, you rock. Moral of the story? Vent via Twitter - it gets results.

But moving on to the high points of the road trip:

• Multiple stops for the buttery deliciousness of Hardees' biscuits.
• Road snacks! From Combos to Hostess cakes, nothing unprocessed made its way into the cabin of that truck.
• Ever had a three-day long caffeine buzz? I have!
• Who knew gas stations had so many video choices...