Famous Boys I Have Loved But Never Stalked

Tom Selleck. I don't know if this one even counts. I remember my mother making me call this mustachioed piece of hunk "bootiful" when I was like two years old, while watching Magnum P.I. in the den. Check out those jeans. You can see everything. Maybe it really was love...

Michael Jackson. Pre-WTF, of course. MJ was the only man I thought I was going to marry. I would have been over the moon about doing my tap routine to Thriller in fourth grade (complete with cardboard headstones and black lights), had I not already moved on to my Wilson Phillips stage.

Michael J. Fox. This man is no chicken. He made me a firm believer in time travel. And I think puffy vests are sexy.

The entire cast of Newsies. This is a movie about Christian Bale singing and dancing, surrounded by lots of other hot, singing, dancing boys. I have been aware of Christian Bale since 1992. Well aware. Very well aware.

Jordan Catalano. "I'm in love. His name is Jordan Catalano. He was left back, twice. Once I almost touched his shoulder in the middle of a pop quiz. He's always closing his eyes, like it hurts to look at things."

Butch Walker. Once the lead singer of one of my all-time favorite glam-pop bands Marvelous 3, Butch gave me a little sugar buzz from the way he was flipping guitar picks into the audience at now-ancient-history Trax in Charlottesville. God I love those glasses.

Zack Braff. He's a gigantic dork. I'm a gigantic dork. He's got a crush on Natalie Portman. I've got a crush on Natalie Portman. We're like, brain twins.

Johnny Depp. Do I need to explain this one? I assume you all have imaginations.

From Texas, To My Exes

BH - My first boyfriend. You were so cute. But you wouldn't hold my hand at the movies...you told me you had poison ivy. And then you tried to out-dump me when you found out I was about to pass you a break-up note after seventh period. Not cool.


DM - You really liked Champion t-shirts, and you were the shortest basketball player I have ever seen. I don't remember much else.


LK - You were my Jordan Catalano. I couldn't even believe it when we started going out. I had my first kiss with you, in your backyard, in the moonlight, surrounded by the sounds of sheep and crickets. For some reason you really liked touching my belly, and I hated that. So I broke up with you.


BH - We dated for like two weeks. I think we held hands before swim practice. I saw you a couple of years later at nationals, and you kind of pretended to not know who I was...


JB - Ahhh, senior beach week. My friends thought you were hot. I got my first speeding ticket driving to your school to see you. Once you showed up at my swim meet stoned. And then you dumped me by e-mail. You apologized later, though.


BG - You were horrible. I don't know why we stayed together as long as we did. I was way too good for you. We saw some pretty good concerts, though, and your dad was one of the kindest people I've ever met.


JS - You were an asshole hippie. I didn't even think that was possible, but that is exactly what you were. Good luck with that.


KH - Not surprisingly, you were best friends with JS (above). You were possibly the laziest person I ever met, but that's probably because you're the biggest stoner I ever met. I'm pretty sure nothing about you has changed...although I heard you were with a married chick.


BC - Were we together? Were we not? I don't know. I really cared about you. You drink too much, and you're wasting your life.


JB - I think you actually had too little drama for me. Otherwise, you were great.


AT - When I say I don't want to see you because I want to stay home by myself, that is not code for, "Please show up at my door unannounced and then get irritated when I turn you away." Clingy much? Buh-bye.


VM - You need your own post. You shattered my heart. I'm still cleaning up the mess you left behind.


SC - How's that going for you? ...Being crazy?


MW - You were a friend when I really needed one, and I will never forget that. You will find someone as wonderful as you deserve.


JS - You are a fabulous shower singer, a connoisseur of snack cakes, my puppydaddy, and still one of my BFFs. Please don't settle.


For anyone I left out, you were either amazing or horrible. I haven't met many in between. And you know which one you were.