Aliens I Wish NASA Had Discovered Today

So NASA found this stuff in a California lake today.

The headlines were more than a little misleading. Evidently NASA discovered...some weird lima bean-looking bacteria that sprout in arsenic. Awesome times ten. Now I'm sure to anyone who paid attention in biology class or passed did well in chemistry, this is kind of cool.

Yawn.

NASA, here are a few alien life forms actually worth a place in my Facebook status.

Yoda

He is the man, er whatever. He is a lean, green fighting machine. Plus he knows everything. And just try to talk like that. Stupid you'll sound. 

Howard the Duck

Not only did Howard kick the Dark Overlord's ass, he totally scored with babelicious rocker chick Lea Thompson. Sounds like one alien duck (??) I'd like to meet.

ALF 

I think a planet full of ALFs would be fantastic. He could help us get the damn cat population down.

Coneheads

I'm always looking for new companions with whom to consume mass quantities.

The Cocoon Dudes

Wilford Brimley never had to worry about his diabetes supplies again.

Ewoks

How are these adorable-icious little cuddly things even aliens? I bet somewhere on their planet we would also discover chocolate fountains and money trees.

E.T.

He has a thing for Reeses Pieces, he can make your bicycle fly, he has cute glow-in-the-dark insides, he loves beer, and he won't hog the conversation. Win.

Now, there are a few aliens I would rather leave on Pluto (if Pluto exists...has NASA figured that whole thing out yet?)...

Aliens

These are the scariest things I have ever seen. If these actually exist somewhere, we are unbelievably screwed. So Richard Branson wants to sell us all tickets into outer space, huh? Unless there is a Ripley clone seated next to me...with a bazooka...count me out, Dick.

Predator

Second scariest thing in outer space? This. Although AVP made this guy look a little wussy, I still wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alley. I mean, the Governator got his ass handed to him back in the 80s.

Spock

The hand thing, the ears, the Vulcan Mind Probe...I don't trust this guy.

The Three Morons from "Earth Girls are Easy"

Most. Obnoxious. Aliens. Ever. Really, Gina? Really?

Office Spread: An Overview

Office Spread (or Office Butt) is a very common affliction affecting millions of professionals around the world. Although it can be found in any working adult, it is most commonly found in those employed in the admininstrative, marketing and communications, technology and finance fields.

This condition is typically the result of long spans of time browsing Facebook and emailing cubemates from mesh-covered adjustable office chairs. Usage of buzzwords like "low-hanging fruit" and "target-rich environment" increases the risk of developing Office Spread. In addition, those who work in locations offering monthly or weekly birthday celebrations involving cake and/or ice cream nearly triple their risk.

Before Office Spread

After Office Spread

Signs and Symptoms

The main symptom of Office Spread is an enlarged ass. The condition is named for the spread of the buttcheeks, in some cases actually spilling over the sides of the office chair.

Office Spread can be accompanied by Grandma Arm, a condition in which the upper arm skin continues to reverberate long after a wave has been completed.

In severe cases, FUPA and cankles may develop.

Treatment

The only known treatment for Office Spread is exercise. Unfortunately, many who suffer from this condition develop a treadmill allergy.

Sam Rockwell = Sid Vicious?

Discuss.

Five Things I've Discovered Via Mobiiiiiile

• My left foot is the best-tasting part of my whole body. I have 18 mosquito bites on that foot. WTF. On a size 7.5 foot, that is a helluva lot of nibbles. There isn't enough Cortizone on the entire planet to stop this itching. I'm so freaking lucky I was too young to remember having chicken pox...my parents would have murdered me. I am not of the "leave it alone" school; I'm more of the "whine a crapload and scratch the shit out of it until you have an ugly scar" school.

EW.

• There is at least one nude beach in Texas. It's called Hippie Hollow, natch. And it is frequented by people who ought to stay home when nude. As Jerry Seinfeld once said, "the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked." These folks? Bad naked.

• Taking mirror photos is hard. And dumb. But my hat is awesome.

• Baby eels have no faces. Or more likely, tapas restaurants are scamming folks by painting gray stripes on delicious salty noodles and serving them as baby eels. Duh times ten.

• You will always look at this. And then I will get to punch you.

So I'm a Slacker. Squared.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so it's been a while since my last post. I was keeping a running list of blog ideas in my BlackBerry, which was recently replaced by this little slice of heaven:

And the note application I'm now using sucks. So clearly it's not my fault.

Here's a partial list of things that have (and have not) been filling up my spare time:.

• Brunch. This  pseudo-meal has become a twice-a-week tradition. Getting hammered + breakfast foods = um, yes please. Hmmm, should I pair my bottomless mimosa with a cheeseburger or pancakes? The obvious choice is anything smothered in fried eggs.

• Concerts. Nostalgia washed over me at the recent Toadies concert, where I guzzled lukewarm Bud Light, rocked my Chuck Taylors and threw the horns. I'll be doing the same at The Pixies show in a couple of weeks, but I'm pretty sure the Matt & Kim show calls for more hipster flare.
• Work. Note to self: go to Idaho and mug this person.
• Class. Again. Yep, I'm back in college. Kinda. Community college. I have now been in post-high school education for 13 years. That has to be some kind of record, although I guess Rodney Dangerfield is still slightly ahead.
• Sweating to death. Seriously.

• Not going to the gym. I quit my last gym, joined a new gym a month ago...and went three times. To be honest, I really don't foresee adding to that at any time in the near future. The reason I quit my last gym? They called and e-mailed nastygrams when I hadn't been for a while. My new gym doesn't give a crap whether I go or not, as long as I fork over $30 a month.
• Not going on vacation. I seriously can't remember my last vacation. Was it to Jamaica for spring break 1999? Ah, memories: free Red Stripe beer and a nasty sunburn. And "staycations" don't count. Yeah, hanging out in my crappy apartment with a Mai Tai and a can of Easy Cheese is totally the same thing as a week in paradise.
• Not watching TV. This will be changing shortly. It's football season, bitches. SKINS.

So there you have it, folks. You're all caught up. Please don't hate me for my last few weeks of booze-infused blog absence. I promise I'll try to never leave you again.

Dissecting the Hipster, Part 1

I have no fucking clue what a hipster is. There, I said it.

I really thought all that mess was just kind of the style these days.

Now I just feel old and totally out of it. Clearly this means I have to start wearing nude pantyhose and orthopedic shoes and taking Metamucil and writing checks at the grocery store and keeping hard candy in my pocketbook now.

Hold the phone.

Let's wiki-pedia it. "Hipster is a slang term that first appeared in the 1940s, and was revived in the 1990s and 2000s often to describe types of young, recently-settled urban middle class adults and older teenagers with interests in non-mainstream fashion and culture, particularly alternative music, indie rock, independent film, magazines such as Vice and Clash, and websites like Pitchfork Media."


How about Urban Dictionary? "Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter...Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses. Both hipster men and women sport similar androgynous hair styles that include combinations of messy shag cuts and asymmetric side-swept bangs...Despite misconceptions based on their aesthetic tastes, hipsters tend to be well educated and often have liberal arts degrees, or degrees in maths and sciences, which also require certain creative analytical thinking abilities."

So, hipsters are men or women, 20-39, who like art and music, wear cool clothes, including old-school sneakers and funky glasses, have good hair with side-swept bangs, and college degrees? That sounds like half the people I saw out last weekend. That sounds like half the people I know.

(On an unrelated note, make sure you look up your name on Urban Dictionary. Mine is crazy accurate.)

I am now on a mission to decode the hipster mystery. To help me with this, Sol and I are engaging in a friendly game of Hipster Bingo. This might be preliminarily unfair, considering Sol is actually from New York, the mecca of all Hipsterdom, and he has an automatically cool name, grew up without television and wears cool Elvis Costello glasses. Hipster? Hmmmm...

Time to study The Hipster Handbook, I guess. Game on.