Do you have any construction paper? Can I have a piece?
Thanks, X
This was a work email I received today. Please keep in mind that (although it might seem like it most of the time), I do not work at a preschool.
Mr. X might have let the cat out of the bag here. Clearly other departments are having Krazy Kraft Korner time with glitter and pipe cleaners and safety scissors. They probably even have nap time!
Meanwhile, the marketing folks are out saving people's lives. Who do you call when you're stuck in the elevator? Marketing. Who do you count on to pull the fire alarm when the building goes up in flames? Marketing. Who's going to scream, "run" at the top of her lungs and then take off full speed in the wrong direction during an earthquake? That one was all me.
Office Spread (or Office Butt) is a very common affliction affecting millions of professionals around the world. Although it can be found in any working adult, it is most commonly found in those employed in the admininstrative, marketing and communications, technology and finance fields.
This condition is typically the result of long spans of time browsing Facebook and emailing cubemates from mesh-covered adjustable office chairs. Usage of buzzwords like "low-hanging fruit" and "target-rich environment" increases the risk of developing Office Spread. In addition, those who work in locations offering monthly or weekly birthday celebrations involving cake and/or ice cream nearly triple their risk.
Before Office Spread
After Office Spread
Signs and Symptoms
The main symptom of Office Spread is an enlarged ass. The condition is named for the spread of the buttcheeks, in some cases actually spilling over the sides of the office chair.
Office Spread can be accompanied by Grandma Arm, a condition in which the upper arm skin continues to reverberate long after a wave has been completed.
In severe cases, FUPA and cankles may develop.
Treatment
The only known treatment for Office Spread is exercise. Unfortunately, many who suffer from this condition develop a treadmill allergy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, so it's been a while since my last post. I was keeping a running list of blog ideas in my BlackBerry, which was recently replaced by this little slice of heaven:
And the note application I'm now using sucks. So clearly it's not my fault.
Here's a partial list of things that have (and have not) been filling up my spare time:.
Brunch. This pseudo-meal has become a twice-a-week tradition. Getting hammered + breakfast foods = um, yes please. Hmmm, should I pair my bottomless mimosa with a cheeseburger or pancakes? The obvious choice is anything smothered in fried eggs.
Concerts. Nostalgia washed over me at the recent Toadies concert, where I guzzled lukewarm Bud Light, rocked my Chuck Taylors and threw the horns. I'll be doing the same at The Pixies show in a couple of weeks, but I'm pretty sure the Matt & Kim show calls for morehipster flare.
Work. Note to self: go to Idaho and mug this person.
Class. Again. Yep, I'm back in college. Kinda. Community college. I have now been in post-high school education for 13 years. That has to be some kind of record, although I guess Rodney Dangerfield is still slightly ahead.
Sweating to death. Seriously.
Not going to the gym. I quit my last gym, joined a new gym a month ago...and went three times. To be honest, I really don't foresee adding to that at any time in the near future. The reason I quit my last gym? They called and e-mailed nastygrams when I hadn't been for a while. My new gym doesn't give a crap whether I go or not, as long as I fork over $30 a month.
Not going on vacation. I seriously can't remember my last vacation. Was it to Jamaica for spring break 1999? Ah, memories: free Red Stripe beer and a nasty sunburn. And "staycations" don't count. Yeah, hanging out in my crappy apartment with a Mai Tai and a can of Easy Cheese is totally the same thing as a week in paradise.
Not watching TV. This will be changing shortly. It's football season, bitches. SKINS.
So there you have it, folks. You're all caught up. Please don't hate me for my last few weeks of booze-infused blog absence. I promise I'll try to never leave you again.
Well I'm over the moon. My very first business travel! (Those years of slinging peanuts and sodas do not count.) On Monday I'm heading to New York for a marketing and social media conference.
Fantasy version of the trip: I step out of the airport in my Sunday best, and manage to awkwardly hail a cab.
The doorman at the hotel doesn't know quite what to make of me, nor I of him. But don't you worry - by the end of my journey, I'll win him over with my irresistible country charm...and you never know, I just might pick up some street smarts from him along the way.
The next day, I stumble into a radio station while I'm out looking for jobs. (Play along, all right?) They mistake me for a renowned radio talk show host, throw me on the air...and what do you know? I'm a total hit. No one ever finds out, I move to the city and live happily ever after.
Reality version of the trip: I just moved back to Dallas from Hoboken, people. The most exciting thing about this trip is the 12-degree difference in temperature. Oh, and also H&M.
I'll be there for three days, only one in its entirety, which will be spend at a conference with other tech company marketing geeks like me. Score: Allison for free breakfast, lunch and "snacks." Fingers crossed for promotional schwag, including but not limited to, pens, thumb drives...could there be some type of laptop bag? Let's not get crazy.
Somehow those nutty gods of fortune saw to it that I will be there for my friend Josh's birthday Tuesday. We haven't made any solid plans yet, but I can promise it won't be nearly as off the chain as Josh's Birthday Extravaganza 2009.
Gift time! A cowboy hat, a mini flashlight, and a check for $12.60. Let's just say I paid off some folks' very old debts last year.
I often get asked about the secret of my success. OK I will never be asked that question. But I've had some awesomefun interesting jobs in my life. Here are a few of them. (Yes, for real, just a few of them.) Laugh it up.
Position: Lifeguard When: 1994-1997 Job Duties: Working on my tan; Acting too cool for school; Drinking as much free soda as I could possibly drink; Eating as many free microwave pizzas as I could possibly eat; Occasionally scooping a toddler out of the shallows before certain death; Blowing whistles What I Learned: I really just don't tan well.
Position: Nanny When: 1998 Job Duties: Going to the pool; Going to amusement parks; Going to the beach; Going to the mall; Going to the movies; Watching TV; Eating a ton of awesome crappy food; Oh yeah, hanging out with two rad kids who needed approximately zero supervision What I Learned: Being paid to do nothing truly is my ultimate life goal, especially if it also involves unlimited snacks.
Position: Chilihead When: 1998-2002 Job Duties: Stealing french fries off people's plates; Hiding outside by the dumpster at any mention of the words, "I need birthday singers"; Making up fake drink recipes, coloring them blue or green, serving them to drunk girls and calling them my specialties; Generally hating my life What I Learned: You cannot, cannot get the smell of fajitas out of one of those polo shirts.
Position: Gadzooks Slave When: 2001-ish (two weeks) Job Duties: Selling crappy glittery halter tops to preteens; Climbing two stories on a wobbly ladder to reorganize the storage closet; Being ordered around by a bossy, bitchy 19-year-old store manager What I Learned: Just leave on your lunch break and never come back. Seriously. Just leave. (Make sure you grab Sbarro on your way out of the mall, of course.)
Position: Flight Attendant When: 2004-2006 Job Duties: Flying from bar to bar city to city in the US; Pointing my fingers on airplanes; Smiling; Wearing polyester, pantyhose and lipstick What I Learned: US Weekly and People Magazine are more valuable to a flight attendant than actual cash.
Position: Call Center Rep When: 2006 (two months) Job Duties: Selling, selling, selling; Getting death threats from insanely pissed off customers What I Learned: Never hang up, always be selling, even if the customer tells you to "go sit on something sharp, sweetie." (Yeah, I still don't know what that one meant. I think he was Irish?)
Position: Airline Gate Agent When: 2006-2008 Job Duties: Hunky-dory flight operations at DFW airport, until not...like snow, or thunderstorms...or I think once a wheel fell off our plane? What I Learned: Passengers will never understand.
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” - Drew Carey
I found myself in the office this morning at 9 a.m. It's Sunday. I didn't really have a lot to catch up on...I simply didn't have anything else to do. Over the last couple of months, I've found that becoming the case more and more. I typically work 11 hours a day during the week, without a lunch break, because I can't eat another single with cheese, no onions. Then it's back to the office on the weekend, armed with an iPod and a cup of coffee.
I stared out the window today wondering if this is what life becomes for those who are single at 30. A little bit Bridget Jones-esque, maybe, but I would have the most boring holiday letter on the planet.
Hi everyone,
Hope you're well. I'm living in Dallas. Again. Working for a software company. Again. Still single. Still in and out of grad school. Oh! I replaced my catalytic converters. Well, happy holidays.
Love, Allison
I'm not ready for a family. But what should I do? Get a cat? I hate cats. Girls, if you're reading this and still happen to be in college, just do yourself a favor, get it over with and find someone. Because if you're single when you graduate, there is a good chance you will stay that way forever. And you will work on Sundays. And you will drink too much. And you will relate to Bridget Jones, which is beyond depressing, because I can't stand Renee Zellweger, and her British accent is worse than the voice in my head that sounds like Mary Poppins.
