The Airing of Grievances

In recognition of Festivus, I will now air my annual grievances.

• Why does The New York Times Weddings section only showcase Jewish couples with strings of Ivy League degrees and 20-year age gaps?
• LOLCats are not funny.

• Who uses words like, "leverage" or "aggregate" or "spur" on a regular basis? Lame marketing people like me.
• Raise your hand if you have run/are going to run/are currently running a marathon. Oh, everyone in the world? Good job.
• Unless you are a 9-year-old girl, Twilight sucks. It sucks. Same for Harry Potter. Adults, these obsessions are totally creepy.
• I got a $263 bill for sitting in a doctor's office for 10 minutes. No undressing. No exam. Nothing. High-deductible health insurance can bite me.
• I just got a ticket from the City of Dallas for running a red light. I was caught on camera. I was in the intersection for...wait for it...0.3 seconds. I'm considering taking a photo of a $100 bill and sending it to them.
• Zits and wrinkles. This is some kind of cruel cosmic joke.
• How do you get through college with bad grammar and spelling? How?
• Sarah Palin.

Moving on to the feats of strength. Where's my beer?

Happy Festivus, all.

Stuff I Hate, a Non-Exhaustive List (Part 2)

• Uggs. There's a reason these are nicknamed "Fuggs." It's because they are fucking ugly. Yes, looking sasquatchesque from the mid-fake-tanned-calf down is an awesome look. Especially when paired with skanky jorts. Why won't they just die already?

• The word y'all in written form. Really? I hate this word enough when spoken. BUT. You took the time to reach for the shift and ' keys? The word you or the phrase you all are not only quicker to type, but they just sound, well, you know. If you still insist, remember it's y'all, not ya'll. Idiots.
• Harry Potter and Twilight. I'm grouping these two into one insanely irritating bullet point. I read the first Harry Potter book. It was pretty entertaining. So I read the second. It was the same book. Maybe that's because I'm not nine years old - or 29 years old with an IQ of a nine year-old. I stand firm against Twilight. I guarantee I just offended at least three people.

 

• Toe socks. WTF.

• Hot weather. This blows considering I live in Texas. Where is it hotter? Arizona? The Mojave Desert? The Sun? It is not OK to run the A/C at night at the end of October, because it's still in the 80s outside. Know what I learned about this summer? Heat rash and $200 electricity bills. 

• Empty airline exit rows. My ass is stuffed between an Elvis impersonator and 6'8", 350-pound  business traveler from Nebraska back here. There are two glorious roomy empty rows up there just begging for my company. Oh, but wait. What's that you say, Miss (crotchety old) Flight Attendant (on a power trip)? Those are reserved for passengers who've paid to sit there? You're kidding, right? Funny, I thought the exit rows were for exiting in an emergency. So since no one paid for the extra leg room, who helps when this plane is going down in a ball of flames? (I mean, yeah, probably no one at that point, but still.) If you are going to leave me back here with Elvis and Andre the Giant, I will be very hesitant to offer my former flight attendant skills should there be any kind of emergency. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, mkay? And bring me a Coke. In the can.

Stuff I Hate, a Non-Exhaustive List (Part 2)

• Orange people. When will the madness end? I won't even go into that nasty, pungent chemical smell. (What is that, by the way? It can't be healthy.) Anyone who has ever studied art knows that orange is the exact complement to blue, which is to say that orange and blue are exact opposites...enemies. You know who's blue?

So orange people = Gargamel.

• Rush. If I ever find myself in a prison-camp torture situation (pretty likely at some point in my life, actually), there are only a handful of things guaranteed to make me talk. I don't want to compromise my situation by divulging these outright, but a steady stream of Rush songs may or may not be on the list.

• Getting up to pee at night. Maybe there's something to the adult diaper thing.

Stuff I Hate, a Non-Exhaustive List (Part 1):

• Those plastic loops that sneak their way out of the armpit area of any utterly age-inappropriate, see-through, polyester, braless, backless, sequined, under-twenty-bucks-but-so-what-it's-soon-to-be-smelling-like-Marlboros/vodka/cologne-and-tossed-in-the-Goodwill-pile-anyway top. I'm looking at you, Forever 21. There have been incredible scientific breakthroughs in clothes hanger technology over the years, rendering these armpit-nuisances worthless. Fail.

• Cropped pants. Please, someone fill me in. I don't get it. I want to get it. I feel left out. 

• Norm MacDonald.

• Cats doing stuff. I am an animal lover. People who know me know that. But this site makes me throw up a little in my mouth. 

• Babies doing stuff. Anne Geddes photos are simply frightening. See the baby-bunny-beastie below.

• Biting into something you think has chocolate chips and discovering they're raisins.